Trusting

I should start this blog by saying this is not another witty, silly blog about my boring life. It is more of a soul searching blog while I type and think about the direction my life is headed.

My whole life, those of you who know me well will attest to this, I have loved children. I have had a strong desire to have a big family with lots of backyard ball in the summer and snow angels in the winter. As some of my friends have said "You were born to be a mom." But my mom role has always taken a different meaning in my eyes. I have felt the calling to adopt a child (ren) who otherwise would not know the kind of love every child deserves. I have never had a connection or special feeling towards having my own flesh and blood. Even now as I'm thinking about having a little boy who would grow up to be just like my husband Kyle,it does not strike me as something I must have to fulfill my life. To me, I feel as though there is a place God has placed in my heart that will only be filled by my obedience to God to adopt. I cannot remember the first time I felt this, as far as I can remember it has been my true heart's craving.
Kyle and I have talked about this before and he does feel that urge to have his own flesh and blood. He would like to have our own biological children. I am not sure how or why God would put such a strong calling on me and not on my husband. Kyle has never been opposed to the idea of adoption. He just had never considered it before I brought it up.
This brings me to where we are now. We've been married six months. For us it has been a huge life change because Kyle and I have lived at least 2 hours apart for most of our 4 year dating period. I have come to this point in my life where I want to be just married with no tie-downs. Free to travel anywhere I choose for vacation. Free to get away for long weekends to visit our friends. Free to eat cookies for supper without having to set an example for anyone. I see my friends juggling soccer, dance, work, school and I cringe. We have always wanted to wait a few years before we have kids.  We don't feel pressured to have kids from anyone-that is not the issue. But I feel my desire that was embedded so deeply in me diminishing. I have even considered not having children. That scared me to think that I'm putting aside my life calling for selfish reasons.  Or maybe I'm just finally enjoying where I am in life instead of hanging on to this person I have always pictured myself to be at this stage in my life. I do know that everything is in God's timing.  Someday He will lead me to my child (ren) and will fill that God given place in my heart. I pray he overflows that place.
Trusting in His relentless love.

Jogging Attempt

Yesterday Kyle wanted to go for a jog. I contemplated not going. Then the picture of me in a bathing suit this summer popped in my head. So off we go to jog around town. I am going strong for about 3 minutes and 40 seconds until I get a side pain. Kyle says if you stomp that foot harder as you land it helps. So I'm stomp-running and finally it goes a away. I pushed through it! I envision my college self running the 2 miles I did almost everyday before class. I'm feeling good and thinking, "Oh yeah! I've still got it!"
And since God likes to strike down conceited people I experience another side pain only 10 times worse. I clutch my side and start stomping. Only this time the pain accelerates and doubles me over. So, because I don't want to look like a big weenie in front of my husband, who is practically running circles around me with his hands casually resting inside the pockets his little livestrong running jacket, I keep running....er.... sideways limping in a fast manner. With each step I'm yelling aloud "Oh it hurts!" "It hurts so bad!"  "I'm not going to survive" "This is the end of me" Finally when I think I have hit rock bottom and I feel myself collapsing to the ground,  I see a beautiful pink tree ahead. Since I love to look at pretty trees, I announce that I should walk for awhile once I get to the tree. I made it. At least to the tree. I ended up walking the rest of the way, enjoying the beautiful scenery that I could not stand to run by and miss. A few times I did run up a steep hill, only because I needed the momentum to carry myself up or I would be rolling back down. Finally we reach the corner where the Jeep is parked. Somehow I jump my jell-o legs in and feel the sweet relief of a cushioned seat. All in all, I'm going to call this jog a success. After a long bubble bath and some deep searching within I might adventure to say I'll try it again.