Working Mommy Guilt

"Are you ready to go back to work?"

I would be rich if I was getting paid by this question. I really was ready to go back. I missed my work family. I missed my patients. I needed away from my toddler and newborn and an excuse to wash my permanent messy bun hair. 

Of course I did NOT want to leave my snuggles. Who would ever want to leave this sweet baby?! 

So on my first day driving back to work, like every mother before me, I cry the tears.....

Tears of guilt. Tears of relief. Tears of anxiety. Tears of sadness.

I had a great first day back at work. I loved catching up with my coworkers. I had a nice patient schedule that kept me busy but not running behind. I hopped right back in the groove. I was feeling good!

When it was time to pick my babies up, I rushed to daycare. When I got there both of them were the last in their classes to be picked up. Mommy guilt is creeping in. I mean, goodness, do I have to work until midnight or what? Even worse, on the door of the infant room was a sign stating 3 kids had bronchitis, 1 eye infection, and 1 case of RSV....on Harvey's 1st day of daycare.  I threw the poor guy into that. Mommy guilt. 

Fast forward a few days and it's 10pm. Kyle's on shift and I'm sitting in the ER with Harvey for a fever and coughing. Clyde is well past his bedtime, trying his hardest to be patient for mommy.  I'm still in my work scrubs feeling the mommy guilt. 

Everything shows clear so we are sent home. 

Next day, our pediatrician does more tests and puts him on breathing treatments. 

I hate seeing my baby sick. Especially when I know he was only exposed because I work.  Working mommy guilt is a real thing. But that is part of it.

There's a real balance to having a career and being a mommy. Before I had kids, there was my job and then there was my social life. They intertwined and flowed beautifully. I was off work, then met my friends to laugh and talk over a bowl of chips and salsa, we said goodbye and made plans for girl's trips to use up our many vacation days. 

Now, social life consists of a group text between my friends in which 4 of the last 5 plans we made, I had to cancel due to sickness, daycare pick ups, or pure exhaustion from mommy life. 

It does not flow beautifully into work. I show up with spit up on my scrubs, I leave early because one of them has a fever. Vacations are a wonderful idea-but I save mine for the inevitable emergency doctor visits. 

And that's perfectly okay. 

In between the chaos, there are snuggles and making the most out of each minute of play time. My kids will grow up watching me love my job. They will see how their mom organizes an impossible schedule. Family days will be all the more cherished. And some day, they will have jobs of their own and be well rounded, hard working, family men. Then I will remember all those days of mommy guilt were worth it. How blessed I am to endure any case of mommy guilt. 

Harvey 1 -2 Months

Harvey James

 

1 MONTH

-9 lb 4.5 oz

- Nurses every 3 hours even through the night

-Looks for mommy and daddy when we talk

-Very content little boy

2 MONTHS

-11 lb 4.8 oz

-Gets up once at night

-Started daycare and is doing really well!

-Lights up with a big grin when he sees Mom & Dad

-Loves watching big brother

-Very snuggly but does great sleeping on his own

-Enjoys tummy time and napping on his belly

-Very chill baby!

Clyde's Barnyard Brunch-Age 2

Clyde is TWO!!!!!

 We are loving 2 year old personality.  26.4 pounds. 32 inches. He talks nonstop and constantly surprises us with his vocabulary and how he pronounces things so well.  In the mornings we watch him on the monitor before we get out of bed, and he is sitting in his bed reading books aloud to himself. He can count to 10, loves tractors and blocks, and wearing hats. He is really good at helping around the house. His favorite tasks are feeding the dogs, cooking, and helping sweep or mop. We're so proud of how he has taken on his role as big brother. He truly is a good helper and good listener.

BARNYARD BRUNCH!

We had a morning party with family to celebrate our big guy. I made it a Barnyard theme. It was so fun and easy to put together. It snowed and few inches the night before and we had two cars stuck in our driveway. We had to shuttle in a few grandma's, but once everyone was safe inside we had a blast with the birthday boy! Kyle made Clyde a workbench to go in his shop. I got my sewing machine out and made a pouch and tool belt to add to it. We bought him a big set of Black and Decker play tools. It turned out just perfect!! Clyde loves being Kyle's shop sidekick so now he can work on his own shop projects! Here are some pictures from the party and our guests......

A big thanks to all our family who drove over to spend the morning with our man!

It's so hard to believe we have a 2 year old. Even with all his 2 year old fit throwing and stubborn ways, we savor every day with this spunky, smart, loving boy! We love you, Buddy!

A Brown Christmas with Little Lords a Leaping

Last night we had Clyde's first Christmas program. I haven't been out besides errands and shopping since Harvey was born so this was a treat! We got all dressed up and picked him up at daycare to take him out to dinner before his program. We had a super fun little family dinner. Any time your toddler behaves while eating feels like a lottery win. We were done a little early and Kyle asked what we would do to kill time. I told him by the time I had Clyde's clothes changed and the baby fed, we'd be perfect on time. I should have known....

We sat in the car and changed Clyde into his super cute little Christmas cardigan.
Then it's Harvey's turn. As I'm changing his diaper on my lap in the car, he poops.
No, not a little. He poops a lot. Projected straight at me and my nice, non-yoga pant, outfit.
 I scream and it just keeps coming.  It is all over my lap, including my pants and shirt. We need to be at the daycare in 20 mins and we are still in the restaurant parking lot.
Kyle puts Clyde in his carseat which causes him to cry, adding to the tension in the air.  He grabs whatever wipes he can find for me.  I can see him trying to hold in his laughter.  I get Harvey and myself all cleaned up. Luckily I had taken off my blazer jacket so i wore that over my nursing tank and wiped my pants the best I could. Phew! So after clean up, nursing stinky Harvey, and getting everyone buckled back in, we miraculously made it on time. Another win of the lottery.

And Oh Clyde! .......I sat in poopy pants, nursing Harvey, who apparently was still starving after all that, and watched the cutest little Christmas program.
When it was time for Clyde's class, instead of dancing to the music, he stood there like a (really cute) statue.  And then halfway through his song, out of nowhere, he runs to the edge of the stage like he's going to leap off. The front row ran up to catch him while his teacher came from behind. He stopped right before jumping into the crowd.
Apparently we need to have a conversation about when it isn't appropriate to crowd surf. For instance-any time you are wearing a cardigan.

Here's our cute little leaping lord at his first performance!

And little bubby had to dress up too!

Brotherly love

The Arrival of Harvey James

It's A Boy!!!

Harvey James

It was a very long last month of pregnancy with daily contractions keeping me on my toes. I was feeling like this little baby could come any day. However he decided to stay cozy until his due date, when we had planned an induction. 

This baby is proving that he will not be the forgotten child and has called for plenty attention his last month in the womb and with his dramatic entry. 

Harvey's birth story:

The night before our induction, big brother Clyde went to the hotel to stay with Nana and Papa. We took advantage and went out for dinner. Before we left, I was having contractions. This was my normal, so I wasn't even counting them. I did decide to throw our hospital bags in the car, just in case. As we were driving I felt the contractions getting closer so I started timing them. By the time we got to the restaurant, I was debating going to the hospital. I walked around a little, and decided it was just my nerves and I needed to sit down and relax and eat. 

As soon as we ordered our food, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. I asked Kyle to cancel our food order. So he told the hostess that he was very sorry but we needed to cancel our order and leave because his wife is going into labor. 

Well. They all got in an excited tizzy and the manager flew out of the back and told us he would pack up our food for us no charge. We insisted on paying but they obviously didn't want a baby to be born in their business. They refused and shuffled us out the door with congratulations. 

We ended up with both of our meals and drinks for free.  We drove to the hospital and knowing that they wouldn't let me eat once we got inside, we just scarfed our free food down in the car. 

We got checked in and sure enough my contractions were getting closer and they kept me. Once I got into my room, the contractions leveled out and they told me to sleep and if they didn't pick back up they would give me medicine in the am to get things going. Kyle slept all night. I slept about an hour. Typical.

In the morning I was given pitocin, but the Dr couldn't break my water because of the baby's position. They raised my pitocin to see if that would turn the baby,  that made the contractions super painful so I got my epidural.  When the Dr. came back to check the baby's position, my water broke as she was checking. After barely any time at all, I was feeling pressure and the nurse checked and here comes the baby! I could tell Harvey was on his way out whether we were ready or not. 

And we were not. The nurse told Kyle to sit down in the chair (because he almost fainted with Clyde) Then she called for the Dr. right away and told me to relax and try not to push, but don't worry if the baby came before the Dr was in, everything would be fine. I said "just someone please catch this baby!"  The Dr. came in and didn't even have time to gown. She threw gloves on  and while she was catching, the nurses were still adjusting my bed and putting the towels out. In 1 1/2 pushes our little Harvey was here. Kyle couldn't even announce IT'S A BOY because he was so choked up and speechless. (He's a big softie!) 

Harvey was perfect! 

Big brother loved him right away, shared his Mickey Mouse and patted his head. 

This time around, I did not have any blood pressure issues. I healed a lot faster, felt so much better, and everyone was very relieved when we went home after 48 hours this time! It is definitely different, but we are settling into our family of four. 

Spreading Kindness

    Last night was a little stressful. I saw a mouse in our kitchen. (Eek!!) For me, that meant in a trembling, full body sweat, I grabbed the toddler and my giant 39+ week pregnant self. We vacated the house until Kyle came home to rescue us and take care of the situation. So we went out for supper and went late night shopping. I thought about calling the hospital to see if I could just check in a few days early!

But, this isn't a mouse story. This is a post of kindness.

We decided to kill some time at a department store. This particular store only has a few carts where toddlers can ride in the carts. The rest are only small mesh carts. I am waddling in, carrying a tired toddler and my giant purse (why do I carry such a thing?).  I scour the area and see only one cart in the corner blocked in by 2 wheelchairs. So I start wheeling the chairs out of the way and find out the cart is stuck to another cart somehow and the wheels are not coming undone. I'm struggling and shaking the carts, trying to keep my purse and toddler in check and hoping my water doesn't break in front of everyone. A man comes over and says his wife is almost finished with their cart and he'll bring it right over to me.
Bean sees him coming with the cart and yells "Alright, go ride!"  I thank the man profusely as his family is walking out the door.   I just couldn't get this gesture out of my mind. To him, it was probably nothing, but to me-it made my night. We get all settled in and had the best time browsing the store for Christmas ideas.
This time of the year the crowds and traffic increase to the point of frustration. It's so easy to get caught up in my own lists and rushing around. I took this night as a reminder to be aware of my surroundings and look for ways to show God's kindness to others. Even if it's just letting an elderly woman take the closer parking spot or giving my cart to another struggling momma. You never know what kind of blessing that will spread. I challenge you to make a point to look around this season and do the same.


2 Timothy 1:3-11 (The Message) 

3-4 Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.

5-9 So don’t lose a minute in building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.

10-11 So, friends, confirm God’s invitation to you, his choice of you. Don’t put it off; do it now. Do this, and you’ll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.

   

A Vision in Waiting

A few years ago before we had Bean, I had a vision during church one Sunday. I saw very clearly a teenage girl, who was our daughter. She was standing in the row in front of me singing with arms raised in a worship service. Kyle was by my side and it was an amazing glimpse of what I believe in some way could be God's design for our family. 

The last two weeks of my pregnancy have been a little rough for me. I have had steady, daily contractions anywhere from 5 minutes-15 minutes apart. They start in the morning and last into the evening. There were two days I made it through the day with few contractions and those nights I was up the entire night with them. The contractions themselves range from annoying to painful, but it's draining me emotionally. I'm having to count and constantly wonder if this is the real thing or just more false labor. It feels like the longest wait ever. 

Last Sunday I went to church.  I was tired, having contractions, and just trying to get through another day. During worship we sang a song by Plumb called "Need You Now (How Many Times)"

If you haven't heard it, you should definitely look it up. 

As we were singing the song and I was pouring out to God my exhaustion and the anxieties of waiting. I saw the same vision that I had completely forgotten about from a few years ago. There was our teenage daughter, hands raised and Kyle and I standing together right behind her. It was like God just sent me a reminder that this time, these pains, these worries are only temporary. He has so much more in store for our family. 

I do not know if this baby is that daughter. I do not know if we will even have a daughter, or if maybe the vision will come true in a different manner. But I do know that God has a plan in store for each of us. Sometimes I forget and can only see and feel my big struggle in front of me. God knows that, and when I finally just give in and grab for Him, He is right there beside me to drag me through and see past my right now.  

I asked for prayers on Facebook on Thursday after a really horrible night of painful contractions. Thank you all for prayers and thoughts!  This weekend has been much, much better. I even made it through one night without even one contraction. I'm hoping that the rest of the time up until arrival continues the same. 

Here we are! 38 weeks and counting. Can't wait to meet our little boy or girl! Bean is super excited. He is constantly hugging my belly and talking about the baby. He's going to be a really great big brother.