I would be rich if I was getting paid by this question. I really was ready to go back. I missed my work family. I missed my patients. I needed away from my toddler and newborn and an excuse to wash my permanent messy bun hair.
Of course I did NOT want to leave my snuggles. Who would ever want to leave this sweet baby?!
So on my first day driving back to work, like every mother before me, I cry the tears.....
Tears of guilt. Tears of relief. Tears of anxiety. Tears of sadness.
I had a great first day back at work. I loved catching up with my coworkers. I had a nice patient schedule that kept me busy but not running behind. I hopped right back in the groove. I was feeling good!
When it was time to pick my babies up, I rushed to daycare. When I got there both of them were the last in their classes to be picked up. Mommy guilt is creeping in. I mean, goodness, do I have to work until midnight or what? Even worse, on the door of the infant room was a sign stating 3 kids had bronchitis, 1 eye infection, and 1 case of RSV....on Harvey's 1st day of daycare. I threw the poor guy into that. Mommy guilt.
Fast forward a few days and it's 10pm. Kyle's on shift and I'm sitting in the ER with Harvey for a fever and coughing. Clyde is well past his bedtime, trying his hardest to be patient for mommy. I'm still in my work scrubs feeling the mommy guilt.
Everything shows clear so we are sent home.
Next day, our pediatrician does more tests and puts him on breathing treatments.
I hate seeing my baby sick. Especially when I know he was only exposed because I work. Working mommy guilt is a real thing. But that is part of it.
There's a real balance to having a career and being a mommy. Before I had kids, there was my job and then there was my social life. They intertwined and flowed beautifully. I was off work, then met my friends to laugh and talk over a bowl of chips and salsa, we said goodbye and made plans for girl's trips to use up our many vacation days.
Now, social life consists of a group text between my friends in which 4 of the last 5 plans we made, I had to cancel due to sickness, daycare pick ups, or pure exhaustion from mommy life.
It does not flow beautifully into work. I show up with spit up on my scrubs, I leave early because one of them has a fever. Vacations are a wonderful idea-but I save mine for the inevitable emergency doctor visits.
And that's perfectly okay.
In between the chaos, there are snuggles and making the most out of each minute of play time. My kids will grow up watching me love my job. They will see how their mom organizes an impossible schedule. Family days will be all the more cherished. And some day, they will have jobs of their own and be well rounded, hard working, family men. Then I will remember all those days of mommy guilt were worth it. How blessed I am to endure any case of mommy guilt.
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